Yawn … it’s been a while that I've written or frankly, even made an attempt to write.
Had plans of making it a point of writing at least one or-di-cul (read article) every month, but after all, Creativity - like human excreta - should come out naturally (for those who have eekd, sorry for this wasteful analogy).
Have watched so many english movies and serials over the last 3 months that I have ended up asking my Mam for pitza almost everyday.
My American accent is just the pra-duct of kan-stant watching of Hally-wood moo-vies, only of course when I had the chance to watch TV; considering the busy schedule of Soap operas watched at home.
However, considering that most of my meager audience is of Indian origin, to save them (and myself) from the trouble of understanding (and typing) in American accent, I will not get into the pha-netics of the language.
So, coming back to the moot point of having wanted to write something, actually, have been wanting to write the below for a long time now. Considering the fact that I have been watching so many movies let me make this introduction a little more cinematic … a promo with a powerful introduction intermingled with select dialogues …
From the writer of “An Omen or an Ill-Omen”
Tangado haid! (Hold positions!)
and “Just penned it”
One Ring to Rule them all…
The unpretentious Author
Fly … you Fools …
Comes up with another Post
Mhhhhyyyyyy Preciousssssssss …
“L a d y o f t h e B o - R i n g”
LADY OF THE BO-RING
Background of the Master Bo-Ring: The Bo-Ring is a Ring that has the power to take physical and emotional control of the Bearer’s audience and grants the Bearer a super power to produce or write mesmerizingly enthralling Bo-ring scripts
The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it.
It began with the forging of the great Bo-ring (…Soap Operas).
One was given to the Elves: Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings - quite similar to Baa from Kyunki
One to the Dwarf-lords: Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls - similar to Balika Vadhu
And nine, nine were gifted to the race of Women, who, above all else, desire power
For within these Bo-rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race.
But they were all of them deceived. For a Master Bo-Ring was made.
(Chorus of loud sounds in the background)
In the land of Andheri (Star Plus and Sony offices), in the fires of Mount Gloom, the Dark Lady, Ekta Kapoor, forged in secret a Master Ring to control all others.
And into this Ring, she poured her cruelty, her malice ...and her will to dominate all life (not only all women).
BO-RING To Rule Them All.
One by one the free households of Middle Earth fell to the power of the Bo-Ring.
But there were some who resisted.
A last alliance of Husbands and Sons marched against the armies of their House-ladies.
And on the gangway to their Kitchens, they fought for the freedom of their Living Rooms.
But still, the power of the Bo-Ring, could not be undone.
When chance came it ensnared a new bearer. The ring came to the creature Rakhi Sawant (the 4th cousin of Gollum, although her / its looks would suggest her / it to be Gollum’s sibling) who would be attracted to any Role/ Item number/ Reality Show as a bee to honey.
Myyyyy Roleeeeee Jejusssss … she would cry all the while. (She also alternated it with Myyyy Item Numberrrr Jejusssss, Myyyy Husbandddd Jejusssss and sometimes even, Myyyy Kiddddd Jejusssss). She / It got the power to participate in all available Reality Shows.
But, rumour grew of a shadow in the East (of Andheri), whispers of a tagless fear. The Dark Lady had regained the Bo-Ring due to the stupidity Rakhi Sawant who was asked to remove it to be eligible to participate in Ekta’s own reality show called “Kkkaunn Banega Famous”.
After realizing that it (Rakhi Sawant) had been fooled, it (Rakhi Sawant) had vengeance in its head and had its mind set on getting the Ring back. The Bo-Ring had poisoned its already corrupt mind.
The story begins after Tulsi (Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi), Parvati (Kahaani Ghar Ghar Kii), Shaina (Kaahin Kissii Roz), Bani Walia (Kasamh Se) and even Bilbo Baa were left jobless after their Soap operas came to an end. On her 163rd birthday, Baa decided to write a book on her long life, “There and back again. Baa's tale.” - By Bilbo Baa.
‘Jai Shri Krishna, Concerning... Opera Actors.’ … she started, immediately falling asleep after writing the line. Around 2 hours later, she got up on her alarm. She was to watch a new Soap Opera by her former employer - Lady Ekta Kapoor.
Around 6 months passed and the serial reached an exciting point, for the 120th time (6 months x 4 weeks x 5 days) but a little bit of thought and Bilbo Baa realized that the story had culminated into the 3rd re-birth of the main leads and was at the exact same point as its first episode! She was now hit by the word “Boomerang”. What goes out, comes back, she thought.
Her mental torment was at it peak, but the power of Ekta’s Bo-Ring, could not be undone.
It drew even the most infrequent of audiences towards the Soaps till their brains came to a virtual standstill. Baa made up her mind that the Bo-Ring needed to be destroyed in order to save and bring back wellness and intelligence to Middle-Earth.
Baa rung up her fellow actresses to check what was happening to them and to her surprise, all, Tulsi, Parvati, Shaina, Bani were going through the same harassment. They were all getting a dose of their own medicine.
They all gathered at Baa’s place and Baa with all her experience, decided that the power of the Bo-Ring had to be undone to save the peaceful households of Middle-Earth.
The Bo-Ring could only be destroyed by putting it into the Fires of Mount Gloom. But, first, the team was faced with the bigger problem - getting the Bo-Ring from the hands of Lady Ekta.
Tulsi took the lead and decided that she would be the one who destroys the Bo-Ring. The Wizard, who joined the confluence (as he was now totally Bo-red of his comedy and was now only subject to the ceaseless Family drama) decided to help them in their quest to destroy the Bo-Ring. This was Ashok Gandalf Saraf (from Hum Paanch).
He came up with the idea of getting Karan Johar (of either gay or a lesbian sexual orientation) to marry Lady Ekta Kapoor - and that made a perfect match too as it (Karan Johar) did equally confusing work. The plan was to snatch the Bo-Ring during their Engagement by asking Karan Johar to grab it during the Ceremony, and then let Tulsi destroy it in the fires of Mount Gloom.
Getting the Bo-Ring was already a big trouble as it was to take convincing Shah Rukh Khan first. But, the bigger problem was destroying it in Mount Gloom, as Mount Gloom was the place of Orc-Vamps. The Orc-Vamps were normal women first, but they were taken by the Dark Powers of the Bo-Ring, tortured and mutilated and now a ruined and terrible form of life. They were the Uruk-Bai - the ugly fighting Uruk-Bais.
Some time later, 4 more people joined in: Jai Walia (Ram Kapoor), who was the Ranger, Mihir Virani (Amar Upadhay) the Elf with pointed Ears (not really as immortal as Baa, but had enough lives), Mr. Bajaj (Ronit Roy) who was definitely the Man having married umpteen times; and finally Balika Vadhu the (s)he-Dwarf joined in, Balika Vadhu the (s)he-Dwarf joined in, Balika Vadhu the (s)he-Dwarf joined in.
Bilbo Baa felt at home after she saw that Balika Vadhu had expressed her gesture of joining in 3 times in 3 different poses and from 3 different angles. It made her realize that this was an important event that was taking place.
Finally, Bilbo Baa had (natural) tears in his eyes when she saw the 9 of them and proclaimed: “Nine companions. So be it. You shall be: ‘The Fellowship of the Bo-Ring’.”
